So I have a threenanger and a 5 month old baby. How is it going? Sometimes, really jolly well. Usually, holy shit balls, FML, leave me aaallloooonnneee, please just be quiet for like even ONE second, Go to sleep…pleaaaase, 5am is NOT morning time, pass me the wine to pour on my cereal, HELP HELP HELP, HELP, HELP. My daily routine looks like this…
5am – Threenanger wakes, shuffles into my room ‘mummy, I’ve slept loads in my bed, it’s time to go downstairs now mummy, it’s morning time’.
5:02am – ‘Mummy, I need breakfast, my tummy is rumbling, can I have a twister?’ For the 5000th time, a ‘Twister’ is not breakfast, and it’s too early, go play, I need coffee before I can converse.
5:05am – ‘ooooo I found the noisiest toy in the world mummy, listen’ waahhhhhh – Baby is up. Joy.
5:30am – ‘Mummy can I watch telly’ – ‘No darling its too early for telly – PLAY WITH YOUR TOYS!’
6:00am – Breakfast and TV requests made every 3 minutes, Ok fine TV on, baby fed and on playmat, now let me make the coffee pllleeeaaassseee…
8:00am – School uniform battle followed by teeth battle, followed by shoes battle, followed by walk to school as slowly as a snail game, dodging muddy puddles with stupid ‘OH look at that flying goat up there – oh no its gone don’t worry’ distraction techniques, whilst finding every single leaf on the way incredibly interesting.
8:45am – One child down…5 minute quiet calm stroll home.
9:00am – If I’m lucky a school mum will invite me for a cup of tea…yeehhaaa adult conversation…time to moan together about our beloved children.
9:30am – Baby decides, mummy you’ve had your fun, down your tea and get me home I want your full attention now.
9:45am – Mummy is still gassing and not drinking her tea quick enough, baby conveniently does mahoosive poo or sick at said friends house…We have to leave before we are never invited again.
10:00am – bum/outfit change, baby cooing time.
11:00am – quick mad dash around the house cleaning old soggy cocoapops off the floor and making the clean clothes mountain so big it may never find its way upstairs and into the drawers, I may just build a large wardrobe around it.
12:00 – collect the threenanger, walk home with her as she drags her feet wailing beside me in a tired mess.
12:30pm – lunchtime mummy, can I have a ‘Twister’…
1:00pm – baby in bed for nap…yaaaaay…I just sit down with a tantalising plate of the threenangers leftover sandwich crusts and the threenanger says ‘play with me mummy pleeaassseee, I need you mummy?’ gaahhhh….ok darling, yes in a minute, ‘no now mummy before baby wakes up, I want you, I need you…’
2:00pm – baby wakes…WAHHHH MILLLLKKKK WAAHHHH
2:30pm – ‘Mummy can I watch the telly?’ NO, PLAY WITH YOUR TOYS THAT I SPENT HUNDREDS ON AT CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!
3:00pm – Mummy I’m hungry…’What? you just ate lunch’ Can I have a Twister now…
3:30pm – Twister and TV happen… moment of peace if baby is co-operating…heaven
4:00pm – Baby fussy hour, baby throws pea puree in mummies face
5:00pm – Mummy opens the bottle of wine, throws some fish fingers in the oven, gives baby his bath, milk and bed.
5:30pm – dinners ready!…’Not hungry, just had a twister…all full up’ GGGRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
6:00pm – Threenanger fight to get in the bath…splish splash, water over the edge, entire bubble bath bottle squished in when I turn my back to tweeze my tash, ‘mummy my eyes hurt….soap in my eeeyyyeeesss wahhhhhh’ – ‘Why did you put all that bubble bath in…ahhh’ then the fight to get her out of the bath.
6:30pm – Stories and bed now sweetie… sweetie… oh wait, she’s playing beautifully, quietly, perfectly, WHY NOW….WHY FINALLY NOW…AT BEDTIME…ahhhhhhhhh
7:00pm – Bed…just go to bed.
7:30pm – ooooooo freedom…ooo ooo, what shall I do…eeeeekkkkk I’m happy again, hello happiness…I’ve missed you…so yes, what shall we do… oh yes…the dishwasher, the washing pile, the tidy up the toy mess, clean and sort the baby bottles. yay
8:30pm – Im soooo tired, I haven’t eaten dinner, wine will have to do, again. It’s made from grapes, grapes are fruit, that’s one of my 5 a day, don’t forget the pea puree baby threw at my face that I licked off, that makes 2.
10:00pm – wahhhh – baby dream feed.
1:00am – baby oh for fucks sake feed.
4:00am – what, where am I, who’s baby is that screaming, oh shit that’s my baby feed
5:00am – ‘Mummy I’ve slept loads in my bed, its morning time.’ nnnaaaaoooooooooo
On a good day I go to Mum’s…Mum’s is safe, mum’s means I can finish a cup of tea whilst it’s still warm. Mum’s means I can give baby lots of cuddles whilst threenanger is happily distracted elsewhere. Mum’s means small bursts of adult conversation in the day. Mum’s means a hot meal in the evening, not kids cold leftovers. Mum’s means I can wear no make up and no bra and not be judged. Mum’s even provides small stints where I can nap!!! Mum’s pours a large glass of wine at lunchtime without even asking if I want one. Mum’s is so good, I question why I ever left at 21 and went and got my own life…foolish 20 year old me, she needed a good slap and a reality check.
8pm now…bedtime…I think I will call in at mums again tomorrow. She won’t mind.