…only, I feel like I’m balancing on the edge of a cliff. Im steeling this 30 minutes whilst my baby naps, and my threenanger watches a film, to write, to you……….for me. I guess. For my sanity…
Because when I do get a very rare spare moment, I often feel in such a fluster. I suddenly have a moment of time to myself, and I freeze, because I have SO many things to do, and so little time. Deciding what to do first is impossible.
I often start off with a chore, like, say putting the clothes away, so off I go, but then I will notice that my bedside table has about 15 glasses festering on it each filled with mouldy water, so then of course I need to clear those up immediately, but then the sink is already full from breakfast, so yes right, I must empty that, but then where are all the tea towels, oh right yep – on the huge dirty laundry pile. You get the picture. All the while my head is saying, ‘You have 30 minutes here, sod the chores, sit down, look at your phone, reply to all those unanswered messages from friends and family.’ So I do, first though I go to the fridge to make a cup of tea, I notice the milk is off, ok so now I need to do an online shop, I have a list in my head always going round and round with what we need this week, but once I’ve completed the shop of course I’ve forgotten a ton of things, so end up doing another online shop often a day later. Grrr so frustrating. I finally sit down, with my black tea, and then the threenanger wants a snack. Before I know it baby has woken up and off we go again.
I’ve achieved nothing, just a half arse online shop, and now I have 4 hours of being pulled from pillar to post by my little ones until bedtime. Bedtime arrives and I freeze again, what do I do…I’m finally alone, I have some time…but all I want to do is curl up in bed myself, drink a bottle of wine, watch trash tv and eat takeaway.
But doing so doesn’t help my life, doing so makes me fat. Being fat makes me sad and grumpy, being sad and grumpy makes me a rubbish mummy and wife to be around. So I start another fad diet.
The diet goes well day 1-3, day 4 – I’m starving, (hungry and angry – hangry), and then I’m also a rubbish mummy and wife to be around. So then day 6 – I cave and eat takeaway and drink alcohol again.
But then the concoction of takeaways, alcohol, yo yo dieting and lack of sleep cause me to be ill. I guarantee you Sunday morning I wake up feeling ill, a cold, a headache, a sore throat, you name it, I’ve got it. So now I’m run down, tired, unwell and a rubbish mummy and wife to be around.
The house is always a mess, despite the fact that I spend ALL day picking up after the children, the list of to do’s is endless, I’m getting fatter and grumpier, I just feel like I’m barely coping, just teetering on the edge of a cliff and could fall at any moment.
I give my all to my kids, but I can’t say I’m massively enjoying it. Sometimes I wonder would we all be better off if I hired a child minder, and in that time maybe I could get all the house stuff sorted, maybe I would be happier then, and maybe the kids would be happier because I am. They say happy mummy, happy kids right?! But doing that is so frowned upon. Other mums would think ill of me, judge me. But how does everyone else seem to cope so well? What is their secret?
Then there is the constant feeling of guilt when it comes to friends and family. I have so many unanswered messages on my phone. A list as long as my arm of invites to meet up, all of them I desperately want to see, but never ever have a minute to. If I take the kids with me, they will need my constant attention as always and so I won’t be able to talk to my friend at all, and all they will see is a mess of a mother trying to cope with her kids and failing to string a conversation together at the same time. If I get hubby/mum to look after the kids whilst I see a friend I only feel incredible guilt for doing so and lumbering them with the kids, and I just fret the entire time and then feel massively like I owe them a favour after for doing so. But obviously can never repay them because well I HAVE NO TIME TO!!!
So friends take a massive back seat, and the ones that are still hanging on, bless them. I get round to seeing them each once a year maybe, of course it’s like the only time I get out, so often we get merry together, I probably cry to them and bore them to tears, I have completely forgotten everything about their lives because my head is full of school term dates and shopping lists, so I probably seem like I don’t care about them at all. Then the next few days I pay for it by being really ill, because I’m so run down that my immune system dies after one drink!!!
Friends with kids should be the answer and to some extent they are. But unless those kids are the same age as yours and get on with your kids and play nicely, it actually is often just more stressful. You open yourself up to being massively embarrassed by your child that won’t play nicely or share, even though they are usually well behaved at home, of course they play up the one time you really need them to behave! You don’t ever get to have a conversation with the other mum, you just grab moments in-between sorting out their conflicts over barbies and giving them the glare of doom because you can’t yell at them like you would at home!
I’m sorry to be so negative, you know me, that’s my style. I like to vent. There are happy moments I swear. But ultimately I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and run down and grumpy. Please someone tell me it gets easier???