The struggle is real…

I’ve been having a little mull over of life at the moment, and as you know I find writing down my thoughts and feelings the best way to work out all the conflict going on in my head.  You see I’m turning 30 next year, and I never thought I would feel this way but I’m a little spooked by the idea of no longer being in my twenties.  I’m sure lots of people feel the same as I do, and actually once you get there it’s not so bad after all.  But I think the reason I’m stressing is that I had this big plan to turn 30 in style.  I set out this year with my big new years resolution to finally lose the weight I always moan on about and to get my twenty year old body back. But here I am 3 months into the year all unmotivated already.  Having tried several ways of kicking my arse in gear, I’m a bit lost and deflated and instead of working out right now as I should be I am tapping away on the laptop instead. I’ve paid money for personal trainers, expensive meal plans, exercise video’s.  But I have no oomph, I can’t be arsed!!!

I think the biggest question I need to get my head around.  Is…


Do I really need or want to have the size 10 body, big fake boobs (yes thats in the transformation plan too), do I want to live the fit and healthy lifestyle and deny myself of life’s little pleasures like chocolate for breakfast and cheese and wine for lunch and carbs dinner?

I’m not sure I really do.  I think I stare at my phone way too much, follow far too many Victoria’s Secret models and am trying to become one of those girls the media says is perfect. It’s extremely hard not to feel the pressure to become like those women.  Where for the past 4 years I’ve had pregnancy and small children to blame for my weight gain, I now haven’t any excuses anymore.  So here I am, with this big life changing decision to make.  To be fit or not to be.

I’m starting to come round to the fact that perhaps dieting and feeling hangry and constantly peed off that I can’t down a bottle of wine every evening perhaps may make me slimmer, but not happier. Lets be honest I’m never going to have time to get to the gym daily, to prepare fresh healthy meals 3 times a day, I’m exhausted with my babies, barely have a moment to myself and need a strong alcoholic pick me up of an evening in order to let off steam and do it all again the next day.

I think my new plan of action is going to be a little different from now on…I think balance is going to be my new frame of mind.

I think I’m going to delete all the beauties off of my instagram account, I’m going to exercise when possible but not set myself unachievable targets.  I’m going to eat well the majority of the time, but allow myself the odd treat and not beat myself up about it.  I’m going to surround myself with beautiful inspiring, hardworking supermums who take pride in their children and not their bodies. I want to find happiness in my day to day life and let go of the dream of having my 20 year old body back, and cut myself some slack.  I’ve grown 3 beautiful babies in the last 4 years.  I’m shattered, housebound and turning 30, that’s my life right now.  I’m not 20, I’m 30, so it’s time to accept it and embrace it.


Yours reflectively,




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